Email Scams, finally
I had heard about them and read about them, and the people taken in my them, but there’s something in the back of one’s head that questions things, until you experience it yourself. Nigerians giving away free money to help them move large amounts of more money, foreign lotteries, and other frauds and pyramids. Oh puh-lease, do people really fall for these things?
I started seeing a resurgence of reports of these silly scams recently and I wondered why I had never seen one in person. No foreigner has ever requested me to help them move a million bucks. What the hell? What is it about me? Aren’t I worthy enough to receive such offers? I was beginning to feel a little neglected.
Well, I finally got one… yeeee haaaawww. “Hello Dear” it started. It seems that a 24 year old Sudanese orphan girl named Ariya Mohamed Atif is in bit of a pickle. Sadly, her late father, who was an oil company executive, was recently killed, along with her mother, by… well, it’s hard to follow, but it involves jangaweed militants and rebels of some sort that burnt her house down and a place called Burkina Faso and an evil step mother who is trying to take her fortune. I don’t know, it’s like a soap opera.
Apparently though, her father deposited $8.5 million in a bank for her but she needs a trustee to get access to it see, you know, since she’s a refugee and all. Although my heart goes out to her, I think she has bigger problems, like as an orphan, she has parents? And at 24 years old, still and orphan? Really? And she has an evil step mother already? I guess she’s just lucky, normally it takes months if not years to acquire an evil step mother after a run in with jangaweed militants.
She stated that I would get 20% if I helped her transfer the money to my account and that she would come live with me. She almost had me up to that point. I don’t do well with room mates, I kind of like my privacy. We Americans do love to help those in distress and all, but you can’t just, get all up in my space, you know.
There was also a reference that “since you indicated your interest to help me…”. Wait a minute, no I didn’t. I have never heard from her before, I’ve never indicated any such thing. This sounds fishy.
C’mon guys, if you’re gonna run with these, you gotta work on your game:
- Come up with better stories, not so fantastical. Use the KISS principal.
- Improve your English, just a little. It should be broken enough to be believable but not so much that we can’t understand what you’re saying.
- Don’t invite yourself to live with us, we like our space. We just want to help you, brag to our friends and then forget about you.
- Don’t offer us so much. 20% of 8.5 million is 1.7 million. That’s too much; 10% would be fine.
- Don’t get ahead of yourself, execute your steps in their proper order.
It never rains but it pours, be careful of what you ask for… Now I’m getting a bunch of these things. Two days later I got one from Kingsly Kabila from the Congo, the son of the late Congonese president, and well, he’s got $12 million to invest with me. Then I got one from Alan Carr and apparently I am the winner of the Google online promo and 500,000 British Pounds. And Mrs. Mary Jones says I should contact Rev Terry Smith of FedEX Express Courier International for my confirmable bank draft of $800,000, I just need to pay the $240 demerrage fee first. At least she gets right to the point and tries to get everything done in one step.
Guys, you don’t just inundate a girl with all these offers and sob stories all at once, I mean, how am I to chose? This is so important, because I just received another email from Hind Ibrahim Bare, a 25 year old woman who is also in the mission camp at Burkina Faso. Her story is remarkably similar to that of Miss Atif above, evil step mother and all. So, I’m adding another suggestion to the above list.
- Coordinate with each other
So, now I’m being inundated with these scams. What the hell? What is it about me? Why do I receive such offers? I’m beginning to feel a little abused.